RIP my child hood best friend!

One big part of my depression is knowing that I will never see you again and that our childhood is forever gone. The only good thing I have is the memories. When you passed away, you took a big piece of my childhood with you. I will never forget you and the fun we use to have.

Everyone has a best friend from childhood, I don’t say we have been friends since childhood because we kind of went our own ways when I moved in middle school. As kids, we where inseparable, always together, hanging out. We had our thing that we did which was playing Mario 3 at her place and eating tater tots while watching it snow, we would laugh until we cried at some of the things we made Mario do. When I turned 14, I started smoking and I will never forget that she pulled the cigarette out of my mouth and stomped it on the ground and told me to quit the nasty junk and that it would kill me. We use to go to Sunday school together, cheerleaded together, climb mountains, play mario, watch it snow, try to cook which we failed miserably, watch cute boys walk up and down our street, 4-wheel together which we flipped a 4 wheeler once, but we didn’t get hurt, it was funny though. Ashley had a lot of friends growing up, she was captain of the cheerleading squad in middle school, many boys wanted to date her, and she had a scholarship to go to college at age 14.  What I would give to be able to have all of that back! There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about her and the others that I have lost that was so dear to me.

She passed away over a year ago in January, two days after her 24th birthday. It all started when I moved to London. She went what most people would call “boy crazy” she started the dating game at 15 and boys where crazy over her. She had one boyfriend I can recall that was probably worthy the rest just led her in the wrong direction and he was the only one that didn’t. I came down to visit her one year and as we was hanging out she started crying to me and told me that she got hooked on drugs. The night Ashley told me she got hooked on drugs she told me it was a very very close family member that contributed to her getting hooked! Ashley was born with a heart murmur and let me warn you now just in case anyone reading this has one, that mixing hard core drugs with a heart murmur is deadly. Ashley ended up with two pace makers before she died, I even recall that while she was in the hospital there was even people supplying her drugs while she was in. Finally one day her family found her unconscious at her home and took her to the hospital to find out that Ashley was brain dead. They had to make that hard decision to take her off life support. I would have never thought this would have all happened to her, that she would have got hooked on drugs, that she would die two days after her birthday, you couldn’t make me believe any of it. There was so many people that robbed her of her innocence at a young age and  when she died all of her “so-called” friends didn’t even reach out for support. Including all the boys that liked her. I want to blame so many  for helping to dig her grave. How can someone be so cruel as to supply drugs to someone as sick as Ashley? I know that Ashley chose that life, but sometimes for the sake of saving someone taken their freedom away so they won’t kill their self would have been a great idea and not contributing drugs because of whatever reason to someone that you know it will kill.   R.I.P. Ashley, I will always love you! See you on the other side! XOXO



Going back to school.. Mri tomorrow.. and two faced people

tumblr_mqgu2nuR0V1saus77o1_500 tumblr_mqgtumB70Z1sbg5aro1_400 tumblr_mqgu5gZcOc1rpsreso1_500 tumblr_mqgtxsvqA41s30g4mo1_500 tumblr_mqgs8xDnS81rsvpgqo1_250Due to all of my surgeries, I have been out of school for a few semesters when I am so close to graduating. Tomorrow is my MRI and I will find out if they are going to be removing the cyst on my brain and hopefully find out if I am having seizures. Hopefully none, because I am ready to move on past being hospitalized for what seems all the damn time. I am so thankful that my neurosurgeon FINALLY fixed my leaking of spinal fluid even though it took a shunt that I didn’t want but it’s better to have a shunt and to have had went through what I did than to be dead.

When I went through my recovery, there where times I tried so hard not to feel sorry for my self, I had someone always there ready to help my every need because I couldn’t do anything hardly, I felt like I was dying during the recovery process, I even had to be helped bathed, put clothes on, etc. It was the hardest thing I ever went through if I have not mentioned that before. I  know this may sound nuts, I am probably nuts anyway, but I felt like a pathetic asshole every time someone dressed me, or helped bath me. I didn’t want to depend on someone through my recovery even though I was largely useless. Everyone that did help me do everything would say “Don’t feel bad about it, I want to help you”, but that oddly never helped my feelings toward it all and as a person that was lazy before and didn’t think having people wait on me hand foot would bother me, it was the one thing that bothered me the most. I never wanted so badly to take my dog outside for a walk, do a cartwheel for the hell of it, and take my own shower.

My doctor told me that my shunt would give me an extra two to three incisions, even though I woke up with four incisions, not to mention my last brain surgery which was two weeks prior to my shunt surgery they had  removed some belly fat to place in the back of my head to avoid the leaking, so I had a total of six incisions counting my neck/head. I was madder than hell that I had so many incisions, because it was getting close to summer time and as silly as it sounds, I don’t know if I will ever be able to wear a bikini because of my many scars on my belly, side and back. I can cover my neck/head with my hair fortunately, and because I am not hairy everywhere else my scars will show.  People are like “you should not worry about your scars, you should embrace them!” My answer to that is hell no I won’t, I hate my scars, they gave me hell during the recovery process and I am not at all proud of them. They can stay under whatever I put over them.

I realized when I signed on today that people are indeed reading my blogs. I am really sorry for the ranting, but I decided to rant instead of doing a mood chart for my psychiatrist, I told you I was a nut. Everything I have experienced and witnessed this year has made me nutty. I sometimes wake up so depressed, that I just want to sleep all the time, and then I have panic attacks which is fun because I think I am dying when I do and get one hell of a dose of adrenaline that I feel like I could pick a car up, turn green and scare the hell out of everyone, you know hulk out.

I found out recently that an old friend has been talking about me behind my back. I shouldn’t be surprised because she blocked/deleted me. She added a friend of mine recently and my friend didn’t remember her and asked her why she added her to facebook and she said it was because they went to school together which was a lie because they never went to school together. She could have told her instead that she met her through me. My friend that she added is going through a divorce and saw that the girl that added her has a cousin that is seeing her husband. So, everything my old friend said to her was a lie which made her look suspicious. I never thought of this girl as a trouble maker and it was obvious that she added her to spy for her cousin and my friends ex husband. You would think that because I am a woman that I understand women, but I really don’t. I find all of that unnecessary. Anyway, this old friend of mine use to come and hang out with me all the time until she started seeing a guy I hooked her up with and then I never seen her again after that. There was a time I thought we was close friends, but she obviously used me for her own gain, so fuck her is how I feel about that and good riddance to anyone that is too much of a coward to go and talk about someone behind their back instead of expressing their problems to you. I thought that once these idiots I know from highschool would graduate someday and grow up, but they could never be more immature than they are today. I don’t want to associate with anyone that is fake, has no intentions to be good, and has a motive as to why they are hanging out with you. I am tired of girls like that. Where is all the decent people at? The girls that instead of going and talking about you behind your back, tell you first their problems with you, the girls that only hang out with people they genuinely like and not because their single and lonely. Girls that will defend their friends and stand by them and be for them when bad shit happens. Girls that are around you for not their own gain, but because they enjoy being around you, they actually like you for you. I would love to more of those type of women if they exist. I have been done so wrong by so many people that I am almost paranoid to make new friends. I just don’t trust people like I use to. I wonder why their even associating with me at all? Even though I consider myself to be a good person, an honest person and confrontational. I don’t lie, steal, cheat, hell I have been with the same guy since I was 16 years old and I promise never once have I cheated on him or was tempted to do so. There is not a thing he doesn’t know about me, and he still loves me for me, but when it comes to women, I don’t know what the hell to think when they befriend me because I have had so many fake friends in my life. I guess I am just growing up, lol.

[Continue rant]

My mother raised my cousin and we grew up together like sisters. My mother raised her for my dumbass aunt who didn’t raise any of the 858934 kids she had, but she kept popping them out like a bunny rabbit. She also helped finish raising another cousin of mine that my oldest aunt abandoned and said she wanted nothing to do with him. My dad loves him more than he loves me, bought him a new truck, made sure he graduated high school, and afterwards gave him a shit load of cash every time he came to visit him when he moved out. My dad was like I said in my previous post an asshole who has a horrible temper toward me and my mother. I have seen things in my life no kid should had to witness from him and my family. My cousin of course that got treated like he was golden wants nothing to do with my dad… oh if my dad only knew that. My dad now helps raise grown men and women that are now my step brother and step sister. He bought one a new car, helps pay the other ones car payments, probably buys their homes, who knows & what’s sad is that one of them is a college graduate! My dad has never done none of these things for me, I remember him saying to never ask him for a car on my birthday because he just got done buying his non biological kids one. Well, no thanks to you asshole, I got a new car! My life is worthy of writing a book about, seriously. People would go cross-eyed to hear about my life and struggles and assholes. My so called sister left when she turned 18 to go back to her biological mother who wants nothing to do with her other than to drag her down and she did just that. My adopted sister got hooked on drugs and got sent to jail for stealing cash from my aunt which my aunt got her hooked on drugs, it’s very common in the small town I come from for mothers to help their kids get hooked on drugs and she makes her living being  a non certified pharmacist if you catch my drift. She makes good money and I guess my sister was desperate and stole from her so she went to jail. While she was in jail she found out she was pregnant. She claims to know who the father is, but there isn’t no child support coming for her kid, so I am assuming the answer to that is no. My mother is always there for my sister when she is in trouble and when she was in jail my mother came to be by her side, but some cop told my mother that the best thing to do is turn around and go home, so my mother did that. I only hear from my sister when she has no where to go and is in the ruins.She now has three kids and she is basically a bomb, she goes from living to house to house until they piss her off and then she goes and talks about them like dogs. She found a man after all this happened and continued to make babies with him and he is a dead beat who does not work and lives the life of a bomb with her. My sister decided to make money by acting like a retard and got money from that once a month and she gets food stamps, and they sell them. We have tried helping her countless of times by getting her a place, a vehicle, you know normal things that normal people do when they have kids, but my sister didn’t want that life, she wants the one I have mentioned, I mean she seriously chooses to live like that. She is fine with having a husband that doesn’t work who is too, on drugs. I will hear from her in a few years when she pisses off all those people she stays with. She has also had her kids took from her, but social services down there are fucking stupid  and gave the kids to my youngest aunt whose on drugs worser than my sister and then the kids got took from her and social services gave the kids back to my sister, does that make any sense? When I found out I was sick my sister was almost homeless because she pissed off everyone and I assume almost had everyone broke because she smokes and does drugs which can be expensive, I hear and called and said she wanted to help me recover from my surgery I was about to have and that she wanted to get her life in track the same bull shit she always says when she has no where to go and as usual for the kids we decided to let her and her husband and three kids come stay while I had my surgery and recovered. When she was with us, she was in a clinic getting help to get off drugs and so was her husband. He didn’t get a job while he was here, even though he acted as if he was looking and my husband bought their cigarettes for them everyday and not to mention the expenses of them using our cars and staying with us, but we did it for the kids. She was there for me when I was in ICU the three times, not the last and it costs A LOT of money to be sick and be in the hospital countless of times. Not only did it almost break us for me being sick, but she and her husband drained us dry. If she paid me back for everything she owed me, it would be like tax season here at my household, but she left as usual after we figured out they wasn’t planning on doing shit and left us broke and me recovering. My husband has since promised me that he won’t let her come near us again. ImageImage

Update on my health./venting

Since my last post, I have since then had three brain surgeries and a shunt surgery. I had more strangers and friends there than relatives to show their support and pray for me which I will be forever grateful to them and if god forbid anything happens to anyone of them I will return the favor. Thank you for being there. When events like this happens; you find out who cares and who doesn’t and apparently everyone but one of my family memebers care about me. The people I most expected to be there for me wasn’t, and the ones I would have least expected to show was. I had aunts that didn’t even send out a prayer request for me, cousins that didn’t show and said they would, but yet passed me up to go to saint louis. I shouldn’t be bitter about all of this because no one likes those that are bitter, but I can’t but be bitter about it and I have since then removed most of my family from my facebook. I am tired of hearing their excuses when I had a friend there that was eat up with cancer, in horrible pain and slept three days striaght after my first 7 hour operation. If my by any chance any of my family members read this and wasn’t there for me, I no longer consider you a part of my family. You’re only relatives to me and that’s it and I will also return the favor if god forbid this happens to you because I endured unbearable pain at the time, needed help 24/7 only for me to continue to have this operation done two more times afterwards. I am so tired of signing on Facebook only to hear how bad they feel for not coming and giving me some lame ass excuse as to why they wasn’t there, but yet they can go to pagents in Lexington, go to TN, and everywhere else. I pray that nothing like this ever happens to you, I don’t wish what I went through on my worse enemy. I am beyond blessed to have such amazing friends and the one that was sick (RIP) I will forever miss you, you where like an aunt to me. I don’t have any aunts that I am close to because their all crazy and they hate me for some reason, but fortunately their not in my life to drag me down. I have a husband that would do absolutely anything for me and his family has been a great help. It was one heck of an experience that I went through, but it’s all almost over. Their now thinking I am having seizures, so I got to go and have an EEG done and an MRI on my cyst. I pray that my cyst does not need to be removed because it’s considered big and they think that it could be causing the problems I am having. I also pray that I am not having seizures and if I am, I hope it’s minor. My own granny did show up when I was in ICU, and my dad walked out on me during my third brain surgery and said he was through with me. Well, I am through with you as well, you’re an asshole and you can stay right where you are. I always tried to have a relationship with you, but that never seemed to work out, and then I had my uncle add me to facebook saying that all the lies he told on me was “water under the bridge” I didn’t forgive him, and deleted him as well. I want NOTHING to do with anyone that is kin to me except for those that live out of town. To those that prayed and helped us through this horrible time, I thank you from the bottom of my heart and they are friends I consider family to me and I am lucky that I have met them. Thank you, thank you. I will no longer be going to anyone in my families graduations, baby showers, visiting your babies, hospitals, nothing, so don’t ever expect me to. Good riddance to you all. I also want to say good riddance to those that are too greedy to help anyone in need, your day will come when you need help and I hope that you get done the same way I was. Anyway, I am done talking about it for now. I will have more to say about it later. If you’re a family member reading this post and it “upset” you, I am not sorry at all. If you’re just some randon person that stumpled up on my blog, then I apologize for venting about my goofy ass family. That is all.